Self-Care: Shallow without a service orientation
Two years ago, I was feeling deeply burned out at my job. For the next year, I indulged in treat-yourself self-care culture. I took bubble baths. I went for park walks. I practiced yoga (close to) daily. And yet, emptiness plagued my soul.
Even in the midst of crippling burnout, I don’t think that we find peace by turning inwards on ourselves. No amount of spa days or book reading or meditative cooking produced deep joy for me. Sure, it evoked moments of delight, but in making my pleasure paramount, my life became smaller, devoid of rooted meaning.
In a society where people feel burned by rigged social contracts, I understand the compulsion to focus on “getting yours.” But when I was reintroduced to the concept of ikigai, something clicked for me. Ikigai is a Japanese concept that roughly translates to “reason for being” or “purpose in life.” It stems from the idea that everyone has a unique, personal ikigai that brings joy, meaning, and fulfillment to their lives, where their skills, talents, and passion intersect with how they can help others.
This does not mean serving a capitalist overlord. In the book Ikigai by Hector Garcia and Francesc Miralles, they study people living in Okinawa, Japan, the region with the highest concentrations of centenarians in the world. Residents live long, fulfilled lives driven by ikigai, the most common being tending to a vegetable garden. Ikigai doesn’t need to relate to making obscene amounts of money; it can be harvesting your sweet potatoes or carving wood or raising a child or writing music or working as a crossing guard or installing solar panels or any slew of personal and professional endeavors that bring you and the world joy. It’s about honoring and realizing your potential in this world.
I think it’s only through care for others, rather than sole care for self, that we find true peace. This is beautifully captured by the George Bernard Shaw quote:
“This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community, and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can.
I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no “brief candle” for me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.”
Now, don’t get me wrong, this ethos of service to others can be wildly misused and abused. Some of the most toxic workplaces I’ve witnessed are organizations with compelling social missions. Any attempt to draw boundaries can be met with, “Don’t you care about the children/workers/sick/poor?”
This is where the power of rest comes in. In The Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel, he emphasizes the importance of staying in the game. Compounding effects are only realized with time. Reaching a level of stress that forces you to quit robs you of the chance to realize compounding benefits for yourself and for others. So rest is everything. Rest lets you stay in the game. Even God rested on the seventh day after creating the world. The Sabbath is sacred for a reason. It allows us to pour into ourselves that which refills our cup, whether that’s alone time or time with friends and family or a walk in the park or a dance class.
Hold up, that sounds a lot like self-care. So we’ve come full circle. I think where I’ve netted out is that self-care is great as a means but not as an end. When I engage in self-care activities, I show up as a better woman, one who is more engaged and empathetic. I can better serve others when I’ve served myself, but a sole focus on serving myself leaves me yearning for meaning.
When I log onto Instagram, I see a lot of reels from people trying to sell me courses about how to make passive income and travel the world. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good passive income scheme and some world travel! But I also want to work. I would welcome liberation from having to work for money, but I want to contribute. I don’t want to just bop around the world, consuming culture and food and adventure without giving anything back. I want to live my ikigai over the course of what I hope is a long, fruitful, happy life, empowered by self-care. I want to die knowing I’ve lived in a way that honors my talents and potential. I want to die knowing that my creativity and laughter and dreams are all poured out of me and made manifest in this world. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die.
