When truth reveals itself on vacation
How a trip to the Caribbean brought me back to myself
I just got back from a week long trip to Antigua and Trinidad and Tobago, centered on Tuesday’s Carnival celebration.
The trip was coordinated by one of my best friends from grad school, who grew up in Trinidad until his family moved to New York City when he was three.
Here were some takeaways from the trip of a lifetime:
- The importance of friends
Six of us friends from grad school went on this trip — two of us are married, one engaged, and two in long-term relationships. None of us brought our partners, even though the trip overlapped with Valentine’s Day.
As I dive deeper into my thirties, there is more and more of an assumption that my husband and I are a package deal. Having this friends-only trip created an environment free from rehashing shared histories or diluting conversations. We could openly discuss how business school had changed us (not always for the better), gossip about former classmates, and connect in ways our introverted partners couldn’t facilitate. I realized since graduation three and a half years ago, I hadn’t spent a full week with these dear friends, two of whom I lived with throughout the worst of the pandemic.
When listening to an Esther Perel podcast, she mentioned that we need to nurture friendships and, if we’re not careful, friendships can be centered on weekly or monthly calls or lunches in which we debrief our lives with each other, rather than a practice in truly living life with each other. In having an uninterrupted week of exploring new beaches, cuisines, and cultural traditions, I felt a deep joy in resuming the act of experiencing life with friends and made a resolution to take more extended vacations with groups of friends without partners.
2. I need to be around people
I recognize that it is an incredible privilege to do my current work (running a search fund looking to buy, lead, and grow a company), but it is freaking lonely. I wake up and email strangers asking if they have any interest in selling their company. I have no co-workers and only occasional calls with prospective sellers, partners, and investors. Did I mention I’m lonely?
So having the opportunity to be around my five friends and the organizing friend’s family (his mom, brother, and sister were all also on the trip) from the time I woke up to the time I fell asleep every day was magical. I shared a hotel room with four other people and never felt the need for a quiet moment to myself. I loved conferring about when to go down to breakfast, modeling outfits for each other, and spending van rides and meals in a constant state of chatter.
It confirmed my strong hypothesis that in order for me to fully realize joy and purpose in life, I need to be in active community with others, especially during the workday. I feel deeply grateful for my strong network of family and friends, but the reality is that they have to go to work at least eight hours five days a week, leaving me alone for large stretches of the week. I feel like in many ways this desire for work community is countercultural to the calls for independence at work and a nomadic lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong, I love myself a midday yoga class or park walk, and I love that I didn’t have to ration PTO days or ask a boss for permission to go on this trip. But I would love to retain this level of autonomy while also having the feeling of being part of something bigger than myself, which I hope will be the case post-acquisition, which is why I’m slogging through the search period.
3. I love exploring new countries and cultures
I felt that it was an immense privilege to be welcomed into the joys of Trinidadian culture. I loved learning the genealogy of the country’s music, from calypso to soca to Trinibad. I loved learning how to whine my waist and pull up my bumper. I loved indulging in local dishes like doubles with pepper sauce and roti with boneless chicken and macaroni pie and bake and shark. I loved learning the history of Carnival traditions like J’ouvert and playing mas (short for masquerade).
In short, I loved everything about immersing myself in a new culture, especially with people like our host’s mom and uncles who were of the island. I love saying, “Show me your life, and I’ll just tag along.” This feels so different from just going on vacation and asking TripAdvisor or Lonely Planet for recommendations.
Immersing myself in new cultures was such a significant part of my twenties. I lived in Tanzania for three months, Mynamar for three months, Rwanda for a year and a half, and Kenya for two and a half years. After graduate school, I knew I wanted to root myself in New York City, as it was a hub for the arts and close to my parents in upstate New York, a desire that further solidified when I married my husband, a native of Queens. But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss my expat life. This trip reminded me the importance of visiting friends who have roots or lives abroad, as well as finding ways to spend extended time (6–10 weeks) abroad.
4. Bodies are beautiful
I don’t know if you’ve seen Carnival costumes, but there’s not much to them. They’re definitely intricate, with hundreds of glued on gems and rhinestones on printed fabrics in dazzling colors, but they are skimpy. My costume was a high-cut thong bikini bottom and bra. I loved gathering with thousands of others, our costumes revealing bodies of all shapes and sizes. It wasn’t like the skinniest or the thickest was gawked at the most, it was just a mass of people shaking to the booming soca from the moving DJ trucks, thrusting their branded mugs towards the mobile bars for more rum and shuffling towards the stage, bathed in the Caribbean sun.
Overall, Iam so grateful to my friends and his family who embraced the vibrancy and culture of celebration throughout the week. This trip allowed me to reconnect with sources of joy — shared experiences with friends, community, cultural exploration, and body confidence.
